Broken...

It's not news that all my troubles had to come up to me, sooner or later. I was having an awful life since march. Today, I consider myself, a broken person... among other things, my life has chance in so many bad ways. The core of the problems, may or may not have the very essence of the solution in themselves. A person I would never underestime (a far as my life is concern) is my ex-girlfriend factor. She may be the whole solution to all my problems... or could be the thing that is crumbling my life down. She, in her whole glory is the person I love the most, today... but I can't accept the fact of my truth today: she's not making me a better person. My own feeling show that I'm being selfish and not caring about her at all... even though she needs me and demostrates that she has, in fact, change in one way or another. This struggle is so deep, so in me... I cannot forsee what coming next... what blow I'll get in the time being... I'm being crumble inside out... I'm tearing myself up.
Last monday was the only day I get a chance to change up the pace, among other things. I finally swam... in the sea... I got myself carried over the waves, and watching an endless sunset... just to find myself missing that person.
Among other problems, my family comes into play... the male factor in my family is getting the same feedback: deception and anger. I can't understand why they're acting like childs... like complete morons. The very same thing that got me here... is a factor that I wanted to avoid... I, for one, think that blogs is for the weak... and the person that can stand they troubles and have to share to the world. But today, I'm overwhelm... I can't stang my inner struggle... I have to release it... I have to stop being the person I am, today... I have to stop this selfish guy I'm becoming.
I need... I don't know that I need nor, what I deserve... I have put my mind in other stuff (like Sonora Tuning and such, AMLO I'm looking at you too) but still... eventually I have to retaliate... I've attack my problems by avoiding them. Guess I was only kidding myself. Anyways... there's another bright future for me... there aren't always dark clouds, I know that... but I can argue with fate (wich laugh at me, when I got stop twice for the same reason and only getting one ticket). Anyways... so much happening, in so little time.
I have to change... I have to be a better person... I have to either, give way to my ex... or make her complete. I have to deal with my old man and my brother... not avoid them... I have to be... not me.
Then comes the drinking factor... I've lost myself in it, when I do it (wich has been... like 5 times, since last may 13th)... in those moments... I've lost myself and let go all my inhibitions (man can I be a dick). Anyway... I love those moments, when I can forget who I am... be either drinking or just getting my mind elsewhere... I don't have drinking problems (I'm not that weak)... but still, I'm amazed how much anger I'm gathering... maybe I need good fragging spree in a Quake or something... my Focus can't handle all the pressure I'm putting in it... or the cars I'm outrunning, latetly. So many depressing moments... so many moments that can make them forget them (the adrenaline rush of driving really fast, for one)... are just temporary... but the real problems remains... I just won't forget that girl... nor I'll stop being my father's son, or my brother's bro... is a complex situation... a simply "forget it" just won't do... or maybe it will... maybe I need to let go... may it be, what it comes.